I do not know how to obey these rules; or what to make of myself; this bundle of contradictions that I am.
I so crave to put myself out there to the world, with all the beauty and ugliness mingled together, creating the “me” that so often I have no choice of being or not being. For this IS who I am; an oxymoron to my very core. I know the categories I should place myself in; I know well which boxes to tick for each of my beings. I’ve been taught what I need say to make people feel safe around me; the values I need to adopt to fit in.
The truth is complicated. It is acceptable that people shift their ideologies from one phase of life to the other, people who do this are somewhat accepted, but I am not one of those “just about acceptable” people. I change my ideologies from word to word, micro second to the next. I believe in two opposite things at exactly the same femto second and the words “I’m sure” are a blessing that has forgotten me.
So often I have things to say leaving the person I am speaking to in awe, falling in love with the mind that thought it. These moments frighten me. They shut me up completely; for I know that the very next sentence will make them think what they so fell in love with was a line learnt off by heart; I did not really know the meaning of what I said, that it was a fluke, that I didn’t really deserve the admiration, that I am not that well read, that I have great potential but I’m not ready to be taken under their wing. But none of what they conclude is true. I know well what I said, where it came from, I felt it with every atom of my being… just as I did the contradictory sentence after it.
The problem is deeper than that still. It doesn’t just manifest itself in conversation, social and political ideology; it is worse and far scarier than that. I am all and everything I should and shouldn’t be.
There are only things I know I am not. I can identify myself by the laws of deduction. I am not a Capitalist (by disassociation), I am not a Jew (because I cannot chose this religion), I am not a man (biologically at least) and I am not a hamster. On the other hand, I am the oxymoron. I can comfortably claim to be a die hard Conservative Socialist, a fully dedicated Brahma Kumarian Christian Orthodox Sunni Muslim, I am the extrovert introvert, a female “b meet ragel” and all this perhaps because I was brought up to be the patriotic British Egyptian.